I have so much to say but I've been fighting a flue bug on and off for a few days so just going to put up here what i need to say. This is going to be a hard week. I have an apt with the lawyer tomorrow. Thursday i have surgery that's scaring the crap out of me! TTC isn't going well. But i think once court dates are over we will work more on that. Thank you all for your support during this time! i couldn't have done this without you all!!! The rest are some feelings i have. They are mine and mine to share. If you can't handle the truth of how i feel log off now. In fact if you don't want me knowing your life STAY OFF MY BLOG. Because you obviously don't care to be on mine. I'm done with drama. This has been one of the hardest months of my life and I'd like a little respect...
Background.
Bryan and i have been trying to reconnect with family and friends and let go of the past. Bryan called his grandma about a 2 years ago then 9 months ago then again 6 months ago and one last time about a month and a 1/2 ago. So we put that in the passed and not a week latter we got a call from his sister saying his grandma had passed away. He was heartbroken. I don't think I've ever seen him so lost. He wanted to go down and be there but there was no funeral. Also he's not been on the best of terms with his family so he stayed home.
A week after that I was at my sister's house we were trying to get a hold of her "husband" (he'd been my brother for years before they got together." with no avail. We were really worried when the police called. We had a horrible feeling so we went outside. The police came and asked us when the last time we had seen John Saul. Then came the news..... He had killed himself the night before. We were devastated and I'm not sure when that will stop. Every day i think of him and the things he use to help me with. He was a brother i never had. Always bringing me my Mt dew and McDonald when i was sick. EVEN when he was at work. He adored my kids and was trying to help me find a way to get them all back in my home. He missed them so much.
This is what we've been going thru grief. And some good times(for another post). But I keep looking back and with the gift i've been given i know so many think that when you die you can start over in relationships. That drives me crazy!!!!! GOD SENT US ON THIS EARTH TO LEARN TO DO THE BEST WE CAN AND TO BE THE BEST WE CAN. I hate that people think "oh it's ok if we dont' work it out now we can in the after life." DO you think in the afterlife the feelings are forgotten? The hurt and pain of feeling abandoned in THIS LIFE changes? We have NOW to change our lives and build our relationships and families. Because in the after life those who we loved and those who cared about us are those we will be with in the end. Not those who waited to die.
I understand why Saul felt the way he did. But he knows the consequences of those actions. I pray he finds peace.
thanks for listening to me rant my heart is just broken i thank god every day for bryan and the wonderful man he is. He is my rock.
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